Two truths, one lie.
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I wrote this listening to 'The Sound of Silence (CYRIL Remix)'. Being the type of person that will be obsessed with a song, I listened to this one on repeat for a week straight, until it was cool I guess. Even while editing this I put the song on repeat again so to feel the same, you should too. Or don't, what the fuck do I care.
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=jwptCxZI6y4&feature=shared
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I sit here with smile on my face. It's not an easy thing to explain what depth there can be behind that sentence because words mean very little without a face behind them, and even less without the strength needed to feel exposed.
Do I write again and not actually share it, not share what truth I feel? This is the question I ponder on as my eyes close and I drift away to this song I'll be obsessed with for more than a little while. The answer isn't easy, but I'll publish this vulnerable piece and try to articulate what joy it means.
I sit here with a smile on my face and write in hope that it spreads. They say you can't tell when you're in the company of a sad or troubled man, because he'll smile anyway and bring everyone else up. A real man will hide it well, at least until things are too late for him. They say it, and I know it. I don't fail so rest assured there is never a too late for me, there is just late and I'm really good at that. I've known a feeling of emotional weight being carried for 4 years now. It's almost 4 years to the day when I decided to shoulder this. But now I smile a real smile.
I love language and the expression that can be behind it. I sit here with a smile on my face is not a complicated sentence but the beauty of communication is that it means different things to people at different times. I could say I would have sat here with a smile on my face last year, the year before or any time since a piece of my heart was lost. But it most certainly would have meant something different.
Sitting with a smile on my face would have been lying. Not lying about the smile, I'll touch once more on what is said about men that can hide in pain. I don't see the smile as the lie, it's that to say it was my face that would have been the lie. I sit not as the person hiding his torture he was to blame for and not sitting with bottled up anger for how he misplaced trust. No I sit here as someone different, someone without those familiar feelings I could almost be a stranger to. I sit without any angst or care of what has brought me to this place of possible futures. All possibilities appearing, as they always were, brighter than I could have ever envisioned. I sit here in control, as the real me, behind this smile.
I've missed this gent I can discuss in first person. I think more congratulations, positive thoughts or at least considerations are due to the men who in the darkest of times can still get it done. I feel that way because if I can keep going, you better believe there are more of us getting it done in tougher situations and not letting their pain show. Some more understanding for that strength of a man is needed in our time. An understanding that a man will rarely need the talks about feelings but rather the challenge and belief in how strong a man is, is what will ensure he prevails.
But I digress, I sit here now as me, not hiding in any woe and not hiding what heavy emotions I felt like collapsing under. No I sit here alone, in control, as me again.
With those that have been close I might have tried to tell them how bad I really was over the last few years. But no-one really believes a man that tells people he's broken. I literally laugh while writing this, I laugh with immense joy, and yet the complete opposite emotion, and the last of it, leaving the corner of an eye for the final time. It doesn't matter, my cheeks pull towards what emotion I'm feeling, and I laugh. I laugh because I had told people in all seriousness I wasn't here anymore and I had it brushed aside. Maybe I should thank them and be angry at the world instead. Maybe just the thanks would suffice, because the world doesn't care about a man's pain, and neither should he. It doesn't really fit a narrative we're told though does it, and isn't that amusing?
I sit here without a care for anything other than expressing how great this feeling is. I sit here after having felt this a few times this year. I sit here in a feeling I used to know so well. I sit here as me again.
Another thing some people don't believe or can't fathom the reality behind, is that this feeling just hits hard when you don't expect it, and that I haven't an explanation. It's not a standard joy I've felt or seen, I could laugh in public or laugh alone in a restaurant with everyone watching, and I don't have an explanation for that immense joy. At least none other than I'm going crazy. But more likely, equally crazy but of the sort I'll wear with pride, my suspicion behind it is to do with the tough situations endured for what is right, being a man, and believing I'm unbreakable.
But what do I know - I sit here not caring about much other than expressing how fucking great it is to be me. How great it is to sit here with a smile, on my face.
#defy #smilelikeyoudontgiveafuck
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